The Blair Bitch Project
by six96
Summary: Halloween Special! Panty forces Boxer, Socks, Stocking, and Brief to go into the woods with her and shoot a documentary, because she wants the attention. Everything goes down hill from there. If it wasn't already obvious, it's a parody of The Blair Witch Project. In my continuity, this takes place in the one year gap between chapter 25 and 26 of Heaven is a Place on Earth.


1

"Here we see the director, Panty, packing shit that no one else needs," joked Boxer with the video camera focused on the blonde angel packing two bags of beef jerky into a pink knapsack.

Two days ago, Panty goaded Boxer, Socks, and Stocking to shoot a documentary with her in the Daten City woods for the weekend, primarily because she wanted the attention. The three other angels agreed to go because for the last month, things have been pretty mellow ghost wise and they had nothing else to do. Brief would also be joining them, serving as the pack mule of the group, carrying all the camping and filming supplies.

"Boxer, you better not be using the SD card I need for the scenes," Panty warned as she zipped her bag up.

"Maybe…" teased Boxer. Panty yanked the camera out of his hands . Across the living room, Socks and Stocking were packing their belongings into a purple duffle bag, and by belongings, I mean Reese's Pieces and Hostess Cupcakes.

"I'm surprised you asked us to do this, Panty," said Socks, "I never figured you as the outdoors type. Camping can sometimes be pretty intense."

"Even more intense than that time we got kicked out of Treasure Island in Vegas?" Stocking asked her boyfriend.

"If not more," responded Socks, "Also, Panty, what do you know about shooting a movie?"

"Everything. I basically wrote and directed Sex and the Daten City." Panty said.

"That movie bombed harder than Hiroshima," said Boxer, "Plus, it was just unwatchable. I'd rather watch Jack and Jill."

"No one likes a hater, Boxer." Panty said, in denial about the film's poor performance.

"Boxer does speak the truth, I'm actually happy you cut all my scenes out." Stocking said.

"I get it, I fucked up on that one. But this movie's gonna be that times a million." Panty said.

"It's gonna suck a million times more than Sex and the Daten City? How's that possible?" Boxer asked. Panty pinched her forehead.

"Let me rephrase that, it's going to be a million times more better than Sex and the Daten City."

"What's this movie even going to be about? You haven't told us yet." asked Socks.

"I'm glad you asked me that, Socks. We're shooting a documentary about the Daten City dick-taker," answered Panty.

"Hey! That's me!" Boxer said gleefully.

"No, not that kind of dick-taking," Panty said, "It's said that in the late 1800s, a witch known as the dick-taker lived in the Daten City woods. She would kidnap gigolos from the city and take them deep into the forest and literally take their dicks. No one knows why. Some say she was just jealous that she didn't have one and could never pick one from all the ones she took. Others say she was just a sick women putting a collection of dicks together. No one knows why, but they say that she still haunts the woods."

When Panty finished, everyone blinked at her. "Where did you hear about this?" Socks asked.

"Wikipedia and books," said Panty. She took two books out of her pink bag. One was entitled The Woods of Daten City and the other one had the title, Urban Legends That You Would Think About When You're Home Alone And The Power's Out.

"I didn't know you knew how to read," Stocking teased her sister, who simply ignored her.

"I have it all planned out. First, we'll go to the cemetery outside the woods and shoot the graves of the witch's victims, then we'll go into the woods to Cock Rock, the site of where twenty dickless bodies were found in the early 1900s. After that, we'll spent the next two days finding anything that might be of interest."

"This is really well thought out, even for you, Panty." Boxer said as he place his favorite buttplug, nicknamed Mr. Happy-Time, into his bag.

"Thank you, Boxer," she said, misinterpreting it as a compliment. The angels then heard a knock at the front door.

"That must be Geekboy with the microphones and camping stuff," Panty said, as she went to answer to door. She found Brief outside with a gigantic pack on his back. In back of him in the driveway was a yellow Hummer.

"I have everything Panty," he said, "The three tents and the mics.. But if my dad finds out we're using the Hummer, he'll kill me."

"I already told you Geekboy, See-Through's in the shop right now and we need a car that could go off-road. Besides, you said your dad doesn't get back until Monday. We'll be done on Sunday and he'll never know you even took it." Panty said.

"Oh, ok."

"But if your dad does decide to kill you, and I'm not saying he will, can I watch?"

Boxer, Socks, and Stocking came outside with their bags. Brief opened the Hummer's trunk and they stuff them inside. After they were done loading, they all got into the Hummer, the Anomie brothers and Stocking in the back seat and Panty and Brief in the front, Brief was driving.

As they pulled away from the church Stocking leaned onto Socks' shoulder. "You know what, Socks? I actually think this is a good idea. The two of us with our own tent, camping in an area isolated from civilization, and making a documentary about a paranormal deity which may or may not have existed. I see no way this could go wrong," she said.

"Is that sarcasm, Stocking?" asked Socks, who wrapped his arm around her.

"We're living in the wilderness with Panty as our guide, what do you think?" responded Stocking.

2

After exiting off of the Daten City Main Street, Brief turned onto a dirt road that lead into the wilderness. After a five mile drive down the road surrounded by forest, they reached a cemetery, nestled in the trees. The Hummer drove in through the entrance arch and into the graveyard. "Alright, this is the place," said Panty. Brief turned the car off.

"How did you know how to get here, Panty?" asked Brief.

"I have a map," Panty flashed a map of Daten City in front of his face, "I ripped it out of an Atlas from the school library. We'll also use it to help find our way around here. Now someone help me unload the mics."

Brief obliged and opened the trunk and got out the necessary equipment, the video camera and one boom mic. Boxer, Socks, and Stocking also got out of the Hummer to see the shoot. Panty, with the script she had Brief write in hand (though she likes to say she wrote it), strolled around the cemetery, trying to find a place where she could stand. "Right here," she said in front of two grave stones.

"Hey Rock," whispered Boxer to Brief, "Can I work the boom mic for this scene?" he asked clearly seeing an opportunity to fuck with Panty.

"Sure, I guess," said Brief and handed Boxer the microphone, "Just keep it above Panty's head and out of the camera's vision."

"Oh, I will," said Boxer inaudibly snickering.

"Ok!" called Brief as he got the camera ready, "Take one in three...two...one," and he pressed the record button. Panty looked up from the script and began speaking her lines.

"Hello, I'm Panty Anarchy. I will be your guide on this terrifying journey of truth, revelations, and most importantly-"

Before she could continue, Boxer brought the microphone down on the top of her head, giving her a light, but painful bump.

"OW! Boxer what the Hell!?" she yelled at him.

"Oh, fuck! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! It slipped! I know! I know! I'm an idiot! It won't happen again!" Boxer yelled back as he held in his laughter.

"It's cool. It's cool. We'll do it again. Alright from the top," said Panty and she started her lines again, "Hello, I'm Panty Anarchy. I will be your guide on this terrifying journey of truth-"

Boxer bonked her on the head with the mic again.

"OW! BOXER! THE FUCK!?" Panty screamed.

"Sorry! My hands were uncomfortable so I was trying a new grip! It slipped again! Sorry!" Boxer cried, still containing himself. At this point, Socks and Stocking had caught on to his stunt and began giggling softly. Panty exhaled.

"Ok, again," she groaned and started again, "Hello, I'm-"

The mic came down on her head again.

"FUCK!" Panty yelled in pain as she clutched her now bruised head.

"Ok, someone is putting vaseline on this grip," Boxer said causally, man he was a good actor.

"BOXER GIVE THE MIC TO SOCKS!" Panty screamed at him.

"But Panty, we need to shoot this scene," he fake-pouted.

"GIVE THE FUCKING MIC TO SOCKS!" Boxer lowered his head and began giggling as he handed the mic to Socks.

"Who's the badass cinematographer now? Bitch," Socks whispered into his brother's ear. Socks took Boxer's position and held the mic above Panty.

"Ok…" Panty had simmered down and went back to her lines, "Hello, I'm Panty Anarchy-"  
>Just then a long and loud pooting noise silenced her. Panty looked off camera and saw Boxer with his butt out. After six long seconds his farting ceased. "Excuse me," he said giggling.<p>

"Jesus Christ! It smells like corn syrup!" Stocking shouted. Panty only shot Boxer an unamused look.

"Wait in the car," she calmly said.

"But I want to-"  
>"WAIT IN THE FUCKING CAR!"<p>

The graveyard intro scene took a total of fifty two takes to be shot because Boxer kept honking the Hummer's horn every time Panty was in mid sentence.

3

Brief pulled the Hummer to a stop after a ten mile drive. He parked it at the side of the dirt road. There, everyone began unloading their bags out of the trunk and preparing for the main venture into the woods. Boxer and Panty carried their backpacks containing their food, water, and sex toys, while Socks carried his and Stocking's duffle bag of sweets, drinks, and flashlights. Brief served his purpose as group pack mule carrying the largest and heaviest bag with the mics, tents, sleeping bags, and the camera. He locked the Hummer and joined the four angels into the woods.

"Do you know where you're going?" Boxer asked Panty as they walked on the trail. Socks and Stocking followed behind them with Brief at the back.

"Yes, we're going to Cock Rock, but it's going to be a long walk and I'm hoping we could get there before it gets dark. In the meantime...Hey Brief!" Panty yelled.

"Yeah Panty?" he asked, catching up to them.

"Film Socks giving an exposition or something, we need another scene now," she commanded him.

"Why do I have to give the exposition?" asked Socks.

"Because we all know that if I have Stocking do it then I'm just going to cut her out," said Panty.

"Oh fuck you, Panty," growled Stocking. Brief got out the camera and began filming Socks as they walked.

"What should I say?" he asked.

"Something about the woods, I don't know, improvise," said Panty, demonstrating her 'awesome' directing skills.

"Oh...ok...uh…" Socks began speaking, "...we're in the forest….it's full of trees...uh...I think there's a witch or something here….its scary. Uh….um….an acorn just fell from that tree-"

"This is bullshit," said Stocking.

"...My beautiful girlfriend says this is bullshit…"

"Ok, you are worthless, Brief turn off the camera." Panty said and Brief obeyed.

"...The director just called me worthless…." Socks said as if the camera was still rolling.

Five minutes of hiking and awkward silence later Boxer spoke up cheerfully. "This is boring, let's sing!"

"Boxer you better not!" Panty warned.

"It's ok, Panty, I'll sing your favorite!" Boxer said, meaning the exact opposite of favorite.

"NO!"

"Down by the bay! Down the bay! Where the watermelons grow! Back to my home! I dare not go! For if i do! My brother's gonna say!" Boxer paused in his singing.

"Have you ever seen a pig wearing a wig?" Socks sang.

"DOWN BY THE BAY!" The Anomie brothers both sang, "Down by the bay! Where the watermelons grow! Back to my home! I dare not go! For if I do! My brother's gonna say!"

Just then a voice, a really deep voice from somewhere in the woods sang back, "Have you ever seen a whale with a polka dotted tail?"

The group of five stopped dead in their tracks and looked in all directions and saw nothing. The Anomie Brothers blinked a couple of times in confusion and fear. "DOWN BY THE BAY!" they sang as if nothing happened.

4

"Finally, we're here, Cock Rock." Panty said as she stopped walking. Just in front of her was a small pond. In the middle of it was a rock, at least seven feet high, protruding from the water and it was indeed in the shape of a dick. It had a scratch mark across the top of it, giving it a defined appearance of one.

"Guys?" Panty looked behind her and saw the four others trailing up to her, they must've fallen behind during the forty five minute walk. Boxer was still leading the group in songs.

"The ants go marching six by six! Hurrah! Hurrah! The ants go marching six by six! Hurrah! Hurrah!" they all sang.

"The ants go marching six by six! The little one stops to stroke his dick!" Boxer sang a solo then Socks, Stocking, and Brief joined back in.

"And they all go marching down to the ground!"

"Oh hey, we're here." Boxer said and the three others stopped singing. Panty rolled her eyes.

"Here it is guys, Cock Rock. This is the place where they found twenty cockless bodies of lost gigolos," she said. Everyone gave it a mildly disturbed look while Boxer looked at it in awe.

"Hold up," he said, and began taking off his shoes, then his socks and shirt. When he pulled down his pants, everyone was shocked to see he wasn't wearing his boxers like he always does, but he was wearing compression shorts.

"Boxer, what are you doing and why aren't you wearing your...boxers?" asked Socks.

"I want a picture of me hugging the rock. And for your information, I'm wearing compression shorts, it isn't safe to wear boxers when you're walking a lot, you could get a really bad chafing." Boxer explained.

"Then that means that you don't have your guns," said Brief.

"Yeah so what?"

"I'm not wearing my normal socks," said Socks and he took his shoe to show a dull gray wool sock on his foot, "I have to wear these ones so I don't get warts from hiking."

"Same here," said Stocking, "Under these wool leggings I'm not wearing Stripes I and II, they're back at the church."

"I not wearing anything underneath," said Panty proudly.

"So we have no weapons?" Brief nervously asked.

"Yes it would seem that way." Boxer said with no fear whatsoever.

"Doesn't that scare you guys? That we're totally defenseless out here?" Brief asked on the verge of panic. The angels shook their heads.

"So we go on a witchhunt and you guys don't bring any weapons?"

"Relax Rock," Boxer said, "The dick-taker is probably just a legend, not real. Speaking of which, do we have a plan if we don't get anything interesting on film?"

"Uh...we'll make a porno." Panty said.

"Ok, Panty, Stocking and I have talked about this. We won't fuck in front of a camera…" Socks said.

"But we will if we have to," finished Stocking.

Boxer went into the pond and up to Cock Rock. The pond was only a foot deep, so he was able to easily reach the rock. He wrapped himself around it in a hug and faced his friends and brother. "Ok, anyone have a camera?" he asked.

"I left my phone in the car," everyone said at once, "WHAT!? I thought you were bringing yours!" they all said in unison again.

"No biggie," said Boxer, "Rock, just take a frame of me with the video camera." Brief took out the camera and pressed the record button, then pressed it again a second later to stop it.

"Awesome," Boxer said as he let the rock go, "I'm going to make a motivational poster out of that frame, it's going to say The Penis: Embrace It...yeah...that's cool."

The gay angel redressed and Panty stood in front of the rock. "Ok, guys, let's try to do this in one take. I'm just going to read the section about what happened here in 1911 and then cut, that's it. There's no way we can fuck it up. Geekboy, you're recording and Socks, you're working the mic again." Panty had Urban Legends That You Think About When You're Home Alone And The Power's Out in her hand. She opened it to the page she marked with a post it note. Socks held the mic above her like last time and Brief counted down until recording.

"Ok, Panty, three...two...one," Panty cleared her throat before reading from the book.

"The search party went into the woods. All the members were skeptical at what they might find. When they reached Cock Rock, the only spectacle that they beheld was pure horror and anguish. Twenty bodies of human males in their early to late twenties formed a circle around the phallus shaped rock. Each man's fist was in the next one's asshole, connecting the circle all together in a gruesome fashion. They were also missing their genitalia and stripped naked. The water of the pond was scarlet red. The search party hurried back into town to alert the police, but when they returned to Cock Rock, all the bodies were gone. It was as if someone or something took them in the search party's absence. The only things remaining at the scene were a hot plate (which wasn't there before) and a paperback second edition copy of Fifty Shades of Gray."

5

The five started back on their hike again after the Cock Rock scene was done. It was getting dark and they need to find a place to set up camp. They sent Brief up ahead to find a place. After a good fifteen minutes of walking, they heard Brief call to them. "Guys! Come quick!"

The four angels took off in a semi run and caught up to Brief, they found him in a grove, a nice open patch of grass with trees all around it but not in it. However, Brief didn't call them about the spot, he called them because of what he found.

On the ground in a small circle, were five piles of rocks. Each pile had a twig erected in the center. They seemed like small graves to Brief. "Nice spot you found here, Geekboy," said Panty, not noticing the small rock mounts.

"I like what you did with those stones, Rock," said Boxer, "Really ties the grove together."

"I didn't do that, Boxer." Brief said nervously. Boxer gave Brief an amused look.

"Oh, if you didn't then who did? The dick-taker?" he teased. Brief responded with a frightful shrug. Panty took interest in the piles.

"Brief, get the camera out and record that shit," she ordered. Brief could only comply and film the mysterious rock monuments.

"What could those mean?" he asked.

"I don't know, but their taking up the shady spots," said Socks. He kicked a rock mount over without a second thought. Stocking soon followed with another two. Boxer scooped up the last pile and threw it in the bushes then dusted his hands off.

"That's better," said Socks.

"Guys!" Brief yelled, "What if those were there for a reason? What if you upset mother nature or something?" Socks put a hand on Brief's shoulder.

"Brief, today we saw a rock that looks like a dick, that is proof that mother nature doesn't exist. Now, let's set up the tents."

Brief sighed and took off his mammoth bag and let it fall to the ground. Socks and Stocking grabbed one tent out of it and so did Boxer and Panty, leaving Brief with the last one. "Socks and I are sharing a tent," said Stocking.

"Boxer is my tent mate," said Panty.

"You're sleeping alone," the Anarchy sisters said in unison to Brief. The only human in the group lowered his head in sadness and began setting up his tent. Socks and Stocking set their own up and Panty laid back against a tree and let Boxer do all the work on their tent. When she found out that he was doing a poor job, she was forced to intervene and help set the tent up the correct way. Some speculate that Boxer did a poor job on purpose.

Night had officially fallen when all three tents were set up. Brief fell asleep at once inside his own tent the second he finished with his sleeping bag and his head touched the pillow. He had worked himself into exhaustion from lugging around the big bag. In Panty and Boxer's tent, they were up going over the video they recorded that day. Boxer sat cross legged on his sleeping bag and watched the outtakes at the cemetery over and over again. "This is never going to get old," he laughed as he rewinded it back to the first take.

"Laugh it up Boxer, as soon as this is over, I'm cutting all those parts." Panty said as she got into her sleeping bag. Boxer turned the camera off and set it aside.

"Why don't we just keep them, we can have the outtakes roll during the credits. You know, like in Anchorman." Boxer suggested.

"What credits? There's only five people working on this movie, the credits would only roll for like five seconds."

"We can add bullshit names to make it last longer." Panty shook her head in disagreement.

"No, we're deleting them and that's that."

Suddenly, both the blonde angels jumped a little bit when a sound coming from outside the tent caught them by surprise. They then laughed it off upon discovering that it was just the noise a snapping twig makes.

"It's nothing," Boxer said, "Probably a squirrel or something."

The two then heard the sound of another twig snapping, then another, then a third one all in a row. It was a seconds before the snapping of twigs became more frequent, like machine gun fire. Soon it all came to a stop and Boxer and Panty were silent.

"Maybe...it's a roadrunner, those things are fucking fast," Boxer said with a small hint of fear. Panty turned the lantern between them off and nestled into her pillow.

"We're just scaring ourselves," she said, "G'night Boxer."

"Night Panty," he said and laid down on his side in his sleeping back and pulled the blanket over. They both slept in the nude.

Meanwhile in Socks and Stocking's tent, the couple was still awake. The interior of their tent was lit by a lantern. Socks sat across from Stocking with one of her feet in his hands, he was re-painting her toe nails the usual black. Socks had on his undershirt and gray compression shorts while Stocking wore her bra and black compression shorts of her own.

"I saw we had a pretty good day," said Socks, blowing on his girlfriends newly painted toes. She giggle and retracted her foot back towards her and gave him her other one.

"As much as I hate to say it, this has been kind of fun. The cool sights, the camping...driving Panty to the point of committing suicide," she said.

"We have Boxer to thank for that." Socks said.

Just then, the two heard footsteps and leaves crunching outside the tent. It sounded like someone was walking away from the campsite. Socks dismissed it.

"Boxer or Brief probably have to piss," he said. Stocking agreed.

It was long before they heard the footsteps stop. Seconds later, the sound of skin hitting skin could be heard. It sounded like someone...was masterbating outside. Both Socks and Stocking's heads shot up and their eyes widened. Whoever was out there was increasing their pace. At that point, whatever fear Socks and Stocking felt instantly disappeared and the couple began giggling.

"Jesus Christ! Boxer's fapping out there!" Socks giggled, "Why would he be doing that in the woods at night?"

"Maybe he's feeling stressed!" Stocking laughed. She and Socks continued laughing for the entire ten minute duration of the fapping sound, both careful that whoever was out there wouldn't hear them.

When the being outside reached its apex, its pace sped up and a low groan could be heard. Socks and Stocking were still dying of laughter. Suddenly, they both heard a loud splashing noise, like when someone dumps a large bucket of water. Socks and Stocking stopped laughing and went absolutely still. They waited to hear footsteps coming back to the tents, but heard nothing. They waited a little more but still, nothing but silence.

Without uttering another word or laughing, Socks slowly inserted himself into the large sized sleeping bag he and Stocking shared. Stocking got in with him and he pulled her close to him. She reached over and turned off the lantern. "Good night, Stocking, I love you," Socks said in frightened tone.

"Love you too, Good night, Socks," said Stocking equally tense as he was. Within seconds they both fell into slumber.

6

Boxer was the first one awake the next morning. He got out of his sleeping bag and slipped on his compression shorts then crawled over to the tent flap and unzipped it. The morning air felt good in his nostrils when he lifted his head and took a deep breath in. Boxer took a step out of the tent, when he did, he felt something hard and solid hit his barefoot. He looked down and saw a pile of of rocks, just like the ones that he cleared before setting up the camp. Like before it had a twig sticking out in the center of it. At this point, Boxer was fully awake, he looked around the campsite and saw even more of the small rock mounts. One was in front of Brief's tent and two were in front of Socks and Stocking's. When he looked back down at the one he stepped on, he saw another pile next to it. "Panty!' he called, shaking the tent, "Panty! Get out here now!"

A groan could be heard from inside the tent and Panty stuck her head out of the open flap. "What?" she groaned. Boxer pointed to the rock mounts.

"...That's nice Boxer, but I thought you hated them, why did you set them back up?" she asked, half asleep.

"That's the thing, Panty, I didn't put them back up." Boxer hissed.

"Don't be a pansy, maybe Socks, Stocking, or Brief put them back." Panty said. Just then, Socks and Stocking came out of their tent, both still in their sleeping clothes.

"Boxer, you spanked that monkey so hard last night it was sick," Socks said to his brother. Boxer tilted his head in confusion.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked. Socks' smile turned into a serious look.

"Boxer, you masterbated last night outside our tent." Socks cut the crap. Boxer laughed softly and shook his head.

"Oh no I didn't," he said.

"Yes you did," said Stocking, "You came like a fucking monster."

"For once, its not what it looks like," said Boxer, "It must've been Brief. Anyway Socks, did you see? The rocks are back." Socks looked down at the rock mounts in front of the tent.

"Oh, so they are. Why did you do that?"

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" Boxer yelled. Brief then came out of his tent, he slept in his clothes.

"Hey, what's with all the yelling? Is something wrong?" he asked. All eyes turned to Brief.

"Did you put the rock piles back?" Boxer asked.

"No," said Brief.

"Did you masterbate outside last night?" asked Socks.

"No! I swear!"

"Ok," Socks said, aggravated, "I know I didn't do any of it, so, one of you are lying or there's something else that did it."

"Maybe something else did do it. A squirrel probably thought the rocks were nuts and put them in piles. Maybe a bear or some big animal came and pleasured itself near us. Everything can be explained." Stocking said. Panty reemerged from her tent completely dressed.

"Sure, let's go with that. We're going to pack up our shit, we're going to follow the map to the next filming spot, and we're all going to pretend this never happened," she said.

"Speaking of map, can I see it?" Socks asked, "I'm now having trouble believing that you know where we are."

"Whatever," said Panty and handed the folded map to Socks. He unfolded it and held it out in front of him. After looking at it for less than a second, his eyes narrowed and his brow furrowed and he held it in front of Panty's face.

"Panty, what the fuck is this?" he asked in a tone that impended he would be yelling very shortly.

"Map of Daten, duh." Panty said.

"It's a map of Daten, yes. Tell me Panty, how do you spell Daten?"

"D-A-T-E-N," Panty said proudly. Socks pointed to the map's upper left hand corner.

"And how is it spelled her?" he asked. Panty looked closely at it.

"D-A-Y-T-O-N," she read. It was at this moment when Socks Anomie lost his shit on Panty.

"D-FUCKING-A-FUCKING-Y-FUCKING-T-FUCKING-O-FUCKING-N!" he screamed, "PANTY! THIS A MAP OF DAYTON, OHIO! THIS IS THE WRONG CITY!"

"Wait, is he serious?" Stocking asked, hurrying up to him and looking at the map. It truly was a map of Dayton, Ohio.

"For fucking real!?" Boxer yelled.

"PANTY YOU BITCH! YOU KILLED US ALL!" Socks yelled.

"How? I asked the librarian for a map of Daten," Panty defended herself.

"YEAH! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING WHEN SHE GAVE YOU THAT ATLAS!? YOU CLEARLY KNOW HOW TO SPELL DATEN!"  
>"I thought the author had dyslexia or something and that he spelled it wrong!"<p>

"DIDN'T YOU NOTICE IT WASN'T DATEN WHEN YOU LOOKED AT IT?...WAIT! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ MAPS!" Socks screamed in horror.

"I do too!" Panty countered, "I got us to Cock Rock."

"That was luck!" yelled Socks, "YOU GOT US LOST IN THE WOODS!"

"No I didn't! I know where we are!"

"Oh, I love the smell of bullshit in the morning," commented Boxer. Socks gathered himself.

"Ok," he said, now calmed down, "To get to this campsite, we just walked straight, if we walk back that way, then we can get back to the car."

"What about the movie?" asked Panty.

"Fuck the movie, Panty! And fuck you! We're done here!" Socks snapped at her.

Without another word, the group packed up their tents and started back the way they came.

7

"We should've been there by now," said Socks, "I don't remember the walk taking us this long the other day."

"That's because we were having fun yesterday. Time flies by when you're having fun," said Boxer.

They had been walking for what seemed like forever. It was afternoon and they still haven't reached the car, let alone pass by Cock Rock again.

"Maybe we're going the wrong way." Brief guessed.

"Well, Brief, I would know, if we had a map," hissed Socks, directing it towards Panty.

"Don't look at me, you ripped the map to shreds." Panty said. Socks had trouble deciding whether if the woods had gotten to Panty and made her say stupid shit like that or if she was actually being serious.

"You know what, Panty? Shut up! Just shut the fuck up! If you say another thing as long as we're out here, I'm going to punch you in the box!" he warned her.

Boxer, who was in front of everyone, suddenly turned his head off from the trail they walked. His eyes widened slightly before he completely went off the trail.

"Boxer? Where are you going?" Socks called to his brother. He soon heard Boxer's voice off in the woods.

"You guys are going to want to see this!" he half screamed. Socks led Panty, Stocking, and Brief off the trail and followed Boxer's voice. When they found him, the gay angel was standing in a more open area with trees scattered around it. It was slightly larger than their campsite. Boxer pointed up at the trees and everyone gasped at what they saw.

Bundles of sticks were tied together with what seemed like amber twine. Each bundle was tied to another creating a phallus shaped object. There were, again, five in total and each one hung next to each other in the trees. When the wind blew they would rotate around before turning back the opposite way. At first, Brief and the angels were uncertain on how to approach this or respond to it. They each took a few steps toward one of the dicks shaped figures.

Panty gave an impressed whistle, "Wow, the artist has excellent taste," she said. Socks only shot her an indifferent glare. Stocking approached the figure and touched it, then recoiled back as if it was going to bite her.

"There's no way a normal person would do this," she said.

"You don't know what this means?' Socks asked her.

"Maybe someone, a hermit or something, is trying to scare us out of his woods." Brief guessed the most logical explanation.

"No, this is a territory marker placed here by a cannibal cult who live here without any access to modern day culture or technology and now they're hunting us." Socks went with a slightly less logical theory.

"They're going to rip our dicks out and fuck us in the bloody holes where they used to be! They're gonna go "Shrek is love, Shrek is life" on our asses!" Boxer yelled in fear.

"Or,or," Panty began reasoning, "The dick-taker is real."

"Forget about the fucking dick-taker!" Socks screamed at her, "We need to get out of here before something actually comes for us!"

"Yeah, we'll do that. But, first...Geekboy, film the dick sticks." Panty said. Brief obeyed and withdrew the camera and began filming.

"Really? After all we've been through you're still making this fucking movie?" Socks asked Panty.

"Yeah, if we die out here and someone finds the film, it'll make so much money and we'll be famous," she said.

"We'll be dead you moron! We won't get anything from it! And what makes you so sure that they would put a video tape they found in the woods in a theater?"

"...It's happened before," Panty made a small argument against him.

"Panty Anarchy logic everyone," said Stocking.

"I'm sure this movie's gonna suck anyway," hypothesized Boxer, "It's just two scenes with Panty, then the next shots are just of the woods. It's lacking a plot."

"It's a documentary, there is no plot," said Panty.

After moving from tree to tree, Brief had stopped filming. He rejoined the angels. "I hope we can get out of here, I'm actually supposed to be back home tomorrow morning," he said.

"We'll get back to the car in no time, we already covered a lot of ground," said Boxer, "How much more do we have to walk?"

The five returned to the trail and began walking in direction they were going before Boxer side tracked them with the sticks. As they walked, Boxer noticed everyone's worried expressions. He began to softly sing to cheer them up.

"I told the witch doctor I was in love with you-"

"Boxer, don't. Just don't," Socks calmly told his brother. Boxer sighed.

"The woods fuckin' suck," he muttered.

8

Unfortunately, the five never reached the car by sunset. It was getting dark and everyone did not want to spend another night out there. It was when night fell they discovered something horrifying.

"Ever feel like you're walking in circles?" Brief asked.

"Yeah...I guess so," answered Stocking.

They all stopped in an open grove much like the one they stayed the previous night in. A little bit too much like it.

"Oh great, more rock piles," said Boxer as he eyed the mounts scattered around the grove. They had gotten so used to seeing them that it didn't even matter anymore. Boxer took a closer look at one of the piles and noticed a hole in the ground a few inches away. He guessed it was a rabbit hole or something but it was too small. As he looked around the area he saw more holes, twelve in total, and each four were positioned in a rectangle.

"No fucking way…." Boxer said, his voice cracking.

"What is it Boxer?" Panty asked.

"This is where we camped last night. This is the exact same spot," Boxer said as he dropped to his knees. Socks and Stocking began looking around too.

"No, that's bullshit! We spent the entire day walking away from it!" Socks yelled as he too began to see it.

"How!? How the fuck does this happen!?" Stocking screamed in equal confusion. As much as Panty hated to admit it. She did see it now, she remembered camping in that spot.

"Oh...so it is," she acted calm to hide how scared she really was. Boxer rose to his feet.

"GODAMMIT!" he screamed and picked up one of the rock mounts, "FUCKING ROCKS!" He threw it in no particular direction. The pile fell apart in mid air, some of the rocks fell to the ground while others shattered when they hit a tree trunk. One of them almost hit Brief in the face, but the geek was able to duck it and it broken upon hitting the tree behind him.

Boxer then began tearing the grass out of the ground like a crazy person, "FUCKING WOODS!" he screamed. Panty tried to calm him down.

"Boxer…"

"GO TO HELL! FUCK YOU!" he yelled at her. Socks decided to intervene at that point.

"Boxer, listen to me! Yelling at Panty isn't going to get us out of here or make anything better. Believe me, I tried!" he said. Boxer stared at him intensely before lowering his voice.

"I just want to leave, Socks," he said.

"And we will, trust me, we're not spending another night here."

It was at that moment after Socks had finished speaking, mother nature decided to stick her dick into all their asses simultaneously. A crackle of thunder echoed through the woods, followed by a heavy down pour of rain. As his hair dampened, Socks slowly turned his head to Brief, who dropped the heavy bag of tents to the ground.

"I know, I know, I'm sleeping alone," he said as he hastily claimed the one man tent.

9

Like the morning before, Boxer was the first one up, or so he thought. He slowly slipped out of his sleeping bag and slid on his compression shorts. When he placed his hand on the tent's zipper, he took his precious time opening the flap. He had the feeling that as soon as he set foot outside, he was going to find something horrible. Maybe a dismembered deer hanging in the trees or a wolf head impaled on a wooden stake or even worse, the rock mounds come back. Boxer felt that the zipper wasn't going to go any further and, taking a deep breath, pushed through the tent flap and went outside. He was shocked at what he saw.

Socks and Stocking were sitting in front of a small fire they had made. Stocking was nestled into Socks' hold and he had his head on her shoulder. They were both munching on Hostess cupcakes. What shocked Boxer was that they looked way too happy. With her lips caked with the cream filling from her cupcake, Stocking glanced up at Socks and he licked the frosting off her lips. Yeah, they were way too fucking happy.

"I'm glad you two are happy," said Boxer as he sat down next to them.

"I am too, Boxer," said Socks, "I guess all I needed was a good night's sleep. Infact, I don't think I heard any strange noises last night."

"Yeah," added Stocking, "No footsteps or twig snapping or masterbating, just bliss. It's good to have a sign that everything's alright."

"I know one thing; we are getting home today," said Socks with a little too much confidence.

"We've been through much worse, this forest is not going to get the best of us." Stocking said. Boxer was skeptical. One night was all it took to convince them everything was fine? He too didn't hear anything strange while he slept, but he thought that whatever was out there was trying to give them false hope that they were only scaring themselves.

"Well, whatever. What ever makes you two happy make me happy," said Boxer, but he wasn't happy on the inside.

Panty came out of their tent. Unlike her normal morning appearance, her hair was straight and she was fully clothed. She stretched her arms out and yawned. "Hey guys," she greeted, "Great sleep last night right?" Socks and Stocking nodded in unison. Oh great, her too thought Boxer.

"You know," Panty seemed to be starting a rant as she sat down near them, "I know we hit some bumps in the road yesterday-"  
>"Bumps? Yesterday was a shitfest." Boxer pointed out.<p>

"But today I feel like we can really make it out of here," said Panty as if she didn't hear Boxer who let of a sigh of defeat.

"Want me to go wake up Rock?" he asked.

"Sure, why not?" said Panty. Boxer got up and walked over to Brief's tent and shook it.

"Rock! Wake up! We're moving!" Boxer called. He stopped shaking the tent, expecting Brief to come crawling out. But nothing happened, the flap didn't even open. Boxer gave the tent a kick.

"Rock! Now!" he yelled. Still nothing.

"He must've had so good of a sleep that he doesn't want to get up," said Stocking. Panty walked over to Boxer and began to unzip Brief's tent flap.

"It's cool, I'll just drag him out," she said. When she finished unzipping the flap, she pulled it open and stuck her head inside. Boxer did the same too.

"Hey Geekboy, we're….say Boxer."

"Yeah?"

"Where is Geekboy?" Panty asked, eyeing the empty sleeping bag.

"You don't know, Panty?" Boxer asked as if he knew the answer.

"Well, we are in the middle of the woods, perhaps he went to shit or piss." Panty guessed. Boxer slowly moved his head in her direction.

"You fucking know he's been kidnapped," deadpanned Boxer. Panty retracted her head out of the tent.

"That's a possibility," she said. Boxer flipped the flap shut, he didn't bother zipping it up.

"What's going on?" asked Socks, he and Stocking were too chill to have a clue at the moment.

"Rock's been kidnapped by someone or something. We can't leave until we find him. He has the keys to the car," explained Boxer.

Socks and Stocking's smiles faded at once as they slowly chewed and swallowed the last of the Hostess. They both got up at an equally slow pace. Socks grabbed a stick from the fire. It was ablaze on one end giving it the appearance of a torch. Without speaking or even blinking, Socks strolled around the campground, setting each tent on fire as he passed by. No one made the effort to stop him. When he was done, he threw the stick into a roaring blaze which used to be their tent. The four angels stood in the middle of the site, surrounded by three flames. They stayed there until nothing remained of the three tents but ashes. Socks then turned towards Panty.

"Panty, it appears as if the tents had spontaneously combusted. Now we couldn't spend another night here if we tried."

Panty sighed. At least she was able to save the camera and the film. "Let's just find Geekboy and go."

"Do we want him or the key to the Hummer?" asked Boxer. Panty only shrugged.

10

The angels stopped to rest after a long hike in god knows whatever direction they went. They sat by a flowing creek, skipping rocks across and splashing water on their faces. After wiping his face with a wet hand, Boxer spoke up. "What happens if we have to spend another night here?" he asked.

"Boxer, don't use the phrase 'same night' and 'here' in the same sentence again. It's not going to happen. Garterbelt once told me that don't assume it's going to happen." Stocking said.

"My dad told me to not assume I was gay and look where I am now,' defended Boxer. He picked up a smooth flat rock and skipped it across the creek. Socks suddenly spoke up.

"That's a huge frog," he pointed out.

"Where?" asked Stocking. Socks pointed to a large green object flowing down the creek towards them. It didn't seem to be resisting, it was just going with the flow. Panty reached out and grabbed it as it passed by them. She looked it over.

"This isn't a frog, it's a sweatshirt." Panty said. Stocking swiped it out of her hands.

"Holy shit, this is Geekboy's sweatshirt," she said. The three other angels' eyes widened.

"Oh, check to see if it has the hummer keys in it," Boxer asked eagerly. Panty quickly went through the pockets of the shirt. Rather than the sound of keys jingling there was the sound of paper crinkling. Panty pulled out a crumpled ball of paper from the shirt pocket. She unwrinkled it to see what it said, if had anything on it. It turns out there was.

"Head West," Panty read out loud.

"Why was it written in letters cut out of a magazine?' asked Socks, "And is that blood on the bottom?" He pointed to the red blotch on the bottom of the page.

"Maybe…" Panty said, "The person who made this probably cut him or herself with the scissors he or she was using."

"Or maybe, it's Brief's and this person is holding him for ransom or something and trying to blackmail us." Stocking said, she was probably right. Panty ripped the paper up and threw it in the creek.

"Hey that's bad for the...nevermind, I actually hope this whole fucking forest dies." Boxer said.

"So...West?" Socks asked. Panty shrugged.

"Where else are we going to go?" she asked a rhetorical question. The angels got up and began their trek West.

11

"We are going fucking nowhere!" yelled Boxer in frustration. They had walked a fair two hours West and skill came across nothing. No tribal camp, no cabin, no nothing.

"There's nothing to...Panty, are seriously recording?" asked Boxer. Panty had the camera in front of her face with the red record light lit.

"Yeah...I have a new plan now, it's to record everything until the camera battery dies. Then when…"

"IF," corrected Stocking.

"If we get back I can do some voice overs for it or something," said Panty. The camera screen displayed tree after tree as Panty pushed through them. One of the branches came flying back after she passed by it and hit Boxer square in the dick.

Boxer reacted by grabbing the branch, ripping it off the tree, and whacking the trunk with it until the stick shattered. "Fuck you too, forest," he muttered as he kicked the trunk.

The Anomie brothers and Anarchy sisters reached yet another grove. This one wasn't the same one where they camped, but it looked like someone else was. In the middle of the grove, surrounded by trees, was an old house.

The brick chimney was half knocked over and the bricks were scattered across the ground. The front door was hanging off its hinges. All the windows were shattered and crows perched on the roof.

"HOLY SHIT!" Boxer yelled, having not seen a building in days, "Maybe they have a phone." He began walking towards the house.

"Wait Boxer, I've seen Cabin the Woods and Evil Dead (the old one, not the remake. The remake sucks), houses in the middle of the woods are not the way to go." Socks said.

"C'mon Socks, it's either this or more woods. Plus, the key to the hum-I mean Rock might be here," reasoned Boxer. He continued up the porch of the house.

"Panty, Stocking, we aren't really going to…." Socks turned to face the Anarchy sisters, but they had already begun to follow Boxer. My god, they're like lemmings he thought. With no choice, he followed them.

Boxer knocked at the door. The moment his knuckles touched it, the door fell inwards off its hinges and fell on the floor in the house. Boxer stuck his head in through the doorway.

"Hello?" he called, "Rock? Keys to the Hummer? Somebody?" Panty pushed him inside. Socks and Stocking followed them in. They all looked around the entry hall/living room. The only things inside were the fireplace and a chewed up couch. The walls had various holes in them and were covered in webs. The lightbulbs on the ceiling were broken and only the filaments remained. Panty still had the camera recording as she shot a panorama of the interior.

"I don't think I need to sugar coat it, I've seen bus stop bathrooms with more appeal," commented Boxer.

"Smells like my Aunt Exodus' garage in here," said Stocking.

"Brief?" Socks called out and waited for a response. There came none, at least not for ten seconds.

"Socks!?" a voice called out from somewhere in the house, "Help! She'll be back any minute!" Socks' head shot around like a bird.

"IT'S COMING FROM UPSTAIRS! EVERYONE GO!" he screamed, pointing to the staircase in the room next to them.

All the angels rocketed from where they stood and shot up the stairs. The stairs creaked and some even caved in as they quickly climbed them. Stocking, who ran behind everyone, felt like something was chasing them.

They reached the second floor and dashed down the single short hallway housing four rooms, two on each side. "BRIEF WHERE ARE YOU!?" shouted Socks.

"SECOND DOOR ON THE LEFT! PLEASE HURRY!" Brief called back.

Socks wasted no time and sprinted up to said door and began tugging at it. HE motioned Boxer to come over. "Break it down," commanded. Boxer began dancing like MC Hammer.

"NO! THE DOOR!" Socks yelled at his brother. Boxer stopped.

"Oh…" Boxer said and knocked the door down after getting a small running start.

The angels breached the room, which turned out to be a bedroom. with only a bed and a dresser across from it. Brief was tied down to the rather large king sized bed. His arms and legs were tied to the respective posts. "GUYS! YOU FOUND ME! QUICK! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" he screamed as he thrashed around the bed.

Socks and Stocking tugged at the ropes while Boxer and Panty felt around at his pants. "What are you two doing?" Brief asked.

"Looking for the Hummer keys," answered Boxer and Panty in unison.

"I don't have them. She ate them," said Brief. Boxer and Panty stopped and looked at him.

"Who's she?" asked Panty.

"I am she," a voice said from the doorway. Everyone gasped and stopped what they were doing and glanced at the entrance to the room.

Standing in the arch, was an old lady they have never seen before. She wore a dirty white bathrobe and footwraps. Her old gray hair was fashioned into a bun. Her face even seemed to be more wrinkled than the paper Panty had read earlier.

"Who are you?" asked Boxer as he and Panty back into a corner with their younger siblings.

"I am Esmeralda...but you may know me better as the dick taker." The old hag said as she entered the room and closed the door behind her. Panty raised her fist.

"YES! I knew you were real! Eat a dick guys! I was right and you were wrong!' she rubbed it in and got and her camera out and a filmed a few frames of Esmeralda.

"So it was you!" Socks yelled at the witch, "You put the little rock piles up!"

"Yes!" admitted Esmeralda.

"You put the sticks in the trees!"

"Yes!"

"You kidnapped Brief!"

"Yes!"

"You led us here!"

"Yes!"

"You jacked off at our campground!"

"Yes!"

"You bended the fabrics of reality with your black magic and made us go around in circles in the woods so we couldn't escape!"

"Ye-Wait, what? No, you simply went the wrong way," pointed out Esmeralda.

"Oh...well, did you really eat the keys to the Hummer?" asked Socks.

"Yes, that happened."

"Well, can we have them back? We kind of want to go home."

"I don't think so," said the dick-taker.

"C'mon let us go," said Stocking, "You know who we are, right?" Esmeralda looked at Stocking closely.

"You're Twilight Sparkle?" asked Esmeralda. Stocking pinched her own forehead.

"Why does everyone always think I'm Twilight Sparkle?"

"Ok, keep Brief and let us go," offered Socks. Esmeralda shook her head.

"No, I won't do that either. But tell you what, I've been watching all of you from the moment you set foot into my domain. I've never been so amused in my two hundred years of life. I will actually let all of you go. If…"

"If what?" asked Boxer.

"If you destroy the film you made. I don't need anyone knowing I'm still about. I have the feeling it might raise my taxes again. I don't need that," said Esmeralda. Panty placed the camera on the dresser and stood in front of it.

"No! Fucking way! This film is going to make me rich!" she argued.

"No it's not," said Boxer. Panty elbowed him in the stomach.

"Shut up! We're not destroying my movie!" she said. Stocking opened her mouth to correct her and say 'our movie' but Socks put his hand over her mouth.

"Don't even," he told his girlfriend.

"Well, then. I guess you're not going anywhere." Esmeralda said.

"Please, isn't there another way?" asked Panty.

"Well...you guys can do something...for me." Esmeralda said and began removing her robe. The angels and Brief gasped.

Between Esmeralda's legs was a flaccid twenty inch cock. "You see, every time I slay a male, I gain his dick size. I always wanted to be a man, but could never afford the operation. So, I turned to dark magic and immortality. Your choice, tickle my pickle or die."

Socks and Stocking turned away to debate it when they noticed Boxer and Panty, eagerly undressing themselves. The two older blonde siblings made eye contact with their younger Goth siblings.

"Oh, we're sorry, we didn't think we're going to argue about this." Boxer said.

Stocking sighed before she went to remove her dress. Socks began undoing his belt.

12

The Anomie brothers, Anarchy sisters, and Brief all laid in the massive bed with the covers concealing their naked bodies. In the middle of them laid Esmeralda the dick-taker or in this case, the dick-giver. She had a cigarette in her mouth and a satisfied look on her face. Stocking was nestled into Socks' chest as she breathed heavily. Socks just laid back and rubbed her back with an occasional eye twitch. Boxer and Panty both had huge smiles on their faces as they stared up at the ceiling with their arms behind their heads. Brief was passed out with his thumb in his mouth.

"You're all free to go. If you ever find yourself in the woods again please look me up. I need to show you my basement." Esmeralda said as she exhaled smoke, "Oh, yeah…" she reached into her mouth and down her throat and pulled out a set of keys.

"These are yours," she said as she handed them to Socks.

"Hey, where's the camera?" asked Panty. Boxer pointed to the dresser across from them where the camera sat. The lense was in their direction with the recording light on. Panty gasped.

"Oh god, it's all on film," she said.

13

When the five returned to the church, Panty ended up making the porno after all. The hour and thirty minute footage of their sexcapades with Esmeralda was far more interesting from the documentary scenes. She edited the footage into a feature length film and changed the title from "Legend of the Dick-Taker" to "A Day at Grandma's House."

"A Day at Grandma's House" was rented eleven times from Netflix. The copies were never seen again.


End file.
